Business Correspondence Critique – Post #3

This week’s “mission” is to critique an email I received early last semester, according to the 7Cs in writing and principles of business correspondence.

The email is as follows:

From: sales@happyblogging.sg
To: shiro_yuki@hotmail.com
Subject: [happyblogging.sg] Bloggers’ Entrepreneurship Week
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:35:54 +0800

Hi there,

We have an advertisement match for you!
This is a banner for Bloggers’ Entrepreneurship Week.

———–
Instruction:
- Reply to us FIRST if you like to take this offer. (Please do it before 31 Oct 2008 (Fri) 11 am Singapore time)
- We will email you the instructions.
- Payment of $4 will be made once post is up on your blog.

Sincerely,
Amy Lee

happyblogging PTE LTD
let’s blog happily together!

I had been blogging privately on another platform and this was an advertisement offered by a blog advertising company.

When I first scanned through the entire mail, a few thoughts came to my mind instantly: IMPERSONAL, AUTOMATED, COPY+PASTE. These words literally bounced into my vision as my eyes read every line. Although I was aware that they might have sent similar emails to many other bloggers like me, I felt that the “copy and paste”-like style of the email was not professional at all.

Hi there,

The salutation had already broken a 7C rule - courtesy. The two words “Hi there” had already triggered a thought that went something like, Do I know her personally? On top of this, the words connotated a rather casual tone, which was perhaps a little casual for a business email. The generality in the salutation also reinforced the idea of a mass distribution of the same email.

This is a banner for Bloggers’ Entrepreneurship Week.

It would have been more informative for the readers  if there was a brief description of what the Bloggers’ Entrepreneurship Week was about. It would be natural for readers to want to know what they would be advertising on their own blogs. Hence, the completeness of the email was not there.

Instruction:
- Reply to us FIRST if you like to take this offer. (Please do it before 31 Oct 2008 (Fri) 11 am Singapore time)
- We will email you the instructions.
- Payment of $4 will be made once post is up on your blog.

The overall content of the email was concise as the instructions were written out in short but concise sentences. The format was in bulleted form, which might have come across as slightly unprofessional. However, it made the overall email readable and very clear. This might have been useful for first-timers who have never attempted posting an advertisement on their blogs before.

Again, the courtesy rule is not applied in this section, as illustrated by the missing “Please” and the insertion of capitalised words like “FIRST” . Just as how customers at shopping outlets would like to be treated courteously by the service staff, readers of this email would perhaps appreciate more  if the sender had exemplified her “Ps and Qs” in her writing.  This email was not written by a higher authority, like a bank asking for payment. It was an email directed to the company’s clients, hence the underlying authoritative tone would not be appropriate here.

Sincerely,
Amy Lee

Althought it might be a very minor detail here, the difference in the fonts of the last two lines suggested a possibility of a cut-and-paste work. In addition, it indicated a break in the consistency. This showed how a minor detail (e.g. font consistency) could be as equally damaging as a spelling or grammatical error.

After a full analysis of this email, I put on my “teacher’s visor cap” and started correcting the areas in the email that required more improvement. Here was what I had come up with in the end:

From: sales@happyblogging.sg
To: shiro_yuki@hotmail.com
Subject: [happyblogging.sg] SUMMER (Happy Blogging Week) Banner
Date: Thu, 30 Oct 2008 13:35:54 +0800

Dear Sir/Mdm,

We are pleased to inform that we have found an advertisement for you.
This is a banner for Bloggers’ Entrepreneurship Week, sponsored by the Entrepreneurship Association.

———–
Please read the following instructions:
- If you would like to take this offer, please email us in advance. (Please do it before 31 Oct 2008 (Fri) 11 am Singapore time)
- We will email you the instructions upon receiving your acceptance of the offer.
- A payment of $4 will be made once the post is up on your blog.

If you have any further enquiries, please contact us at sales@happyblogging.sg. We hope to hear from you soon.

Yours sincerely,
Amy Lee

happyblogging PTE LTD
let’s blog happily together!

Please feel free to comment on my critique:)